Conditions & Related Symptoms Specific to Travel

This Awesome Adventure is rollicking along at a serious rate of knots. It seems like just three weeks ago I was in Vang Vien, Laos (I actually was… ooh “place-name-dropper”). But, along the Asian section of this adventure, I’m realising that,  much to my own disappointment, I’m not quite the serious, vagabonding, ground-breaking globe-trotter that I thought I could be.

My "unsure" face during petanque with drunken Lao's in Nong Khiaw

Woah. Hey man, I LOVE (you can tell I meant it by the caps lock) experiencing new cultures, seeing amazing country-specific things and trying out my crap jokes on a new array of unsuspecting locals… but I’ve seen sufficient evidence to realise I COULD be giving this travel thing a more serious run for its proverbial moolah. It’s not that I’m not “putting myself out there”… whatever that means. I’ve tried frogs legs, played petanque with drunken (and slightly scary) Laos guys, I’ve sampled local beers & illegally-made whiskey and hooned around on numerous scooters on various-degrees-of-safely-graded roads. I’m no dare-devil but I give things a go. The thing is… I see some fellow travellers and realise… they’re more… “Captain hard out” than me. I bet some of the following “symptoms” of “hard-out-ness” seem familiar…

Unnecessary Wearing of “Harem”/Pyjama-type Pants (see picture below)

I know that this type of attire has seen “trendy” status at various points and, to some degree, they’re quite cool… on girls. But to see grown men strutting around in these things makes me want to direct them to the nearest mirror and ask them what they were thinking when they spent the 200 Baht on a pair of these atrocious creations. I’m loathe to admit that they’re probably as comfortable as a lazy-boy chair made of actual clouds (which they probably are), but that doesn’t make them RIGHT.

Rule of thumb: if you’re not prepared to wear them in public in your home country, don’t bother.

• “Place-name-dropping”

Some offending pairs of travel pants

I think we’re all guilty of this one every once in a while. It usually comes about when someone is telling a travel story and someone else pipes up… “oh yeah, that was like the time we were in Luang Prabang/Hanoi/Paris/New York and blah blah blah…”.

No, it was nothing like it you ass-blowing retard, you just needed a chance to tell us all of a place you’ve been that none of us have. Sweet, now you’ve ruined someone else’s story and made yourself look like a dick. Jog on.

• Competitive Travel Story-Telling

This one is hilarious to eavesdrop on. Stereotypically, from my experience (bar one occasion where an awesome Texan guy was happy to chill the f**k out), Americans tend to dominate the majority of this type of transgression. I won’t go into detail, as the name says it all AND we all know someone who invariably gets the award for turning conversations into competitions… sometimes ME…

The last sighting of the travel beard

• Over-Enthusiastic Communicating with Fellow Countrymen

For me, meeting a fellow Kiwi travelling is awesome. First there’s the “hey bro”, then the finding out what part of NZ they’re from and, finally, the search to see if there’s any link (however small) between you and them. Crazy, but there often is. The last Kiwi I met was at Angkor Wat (oops, another place name drop) and it took all of 2 minutes before we were talking about “bombs” in the pool. Awesome.

• Silly Travel Beards

An alarming number of otherwise average-looking male travellers have taken the opportunity to abstain from shaving. This has resulted in a minor epidemic of travel-related facial hair. Some are shoddy attempts at “goatees” and some look like the wearer’s face has been plastered with PVA then rolled around in old carpet. All are silly. Including mine… as impressive as I thought it was…

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3 Responses to Conditions & Related Symptoms Specific to Travel

  1. Cogsey says:

    Top work Royce, way to take the piss

  2. becky says:

    Are you the one in the blue or black t-shirt?

  3. Dan says:

    Good work bro, pleased you’re not holding back (with the blog that is)

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